Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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