i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
