worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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