what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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