I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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