dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
