I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
