I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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