Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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