we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Everything about him screamed your future.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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