Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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