Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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