i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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