smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
