Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
