nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
