even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Come on in and take your pants off
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