my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
