do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
