here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
