Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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