So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
