its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
