Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
