phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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