It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
