did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
This beer is not sobering me up at all
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
