I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
