sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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