I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
