Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
