I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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