I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he laminated a picture of his dick.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
