with your own penis?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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