put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
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