I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she smelled like a LAN party
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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