Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
