So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
