I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
