headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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