I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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