Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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