She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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