I think my vagina is haunted
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
