I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
