Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
