Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
