Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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