Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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