I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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